awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
