someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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