my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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