can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
