Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
