Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
