he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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