Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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