My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
