You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
