im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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