The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
