The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
