went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
