she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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