took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
