I want to walk on stilts...naked
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
