Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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