Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
