i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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