i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
