Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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