Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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