it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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