and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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