but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
why do cheetos always look like penises
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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