Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
