She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
