I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
