you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
