she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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