I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
