If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
