Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize