cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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