Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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