was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
