i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize