Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
