Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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