you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i think i have herpe
just one?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
