wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
