Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
