Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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