capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
