there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
