I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
