so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
