She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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