Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
