Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
