Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
