Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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