So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
