Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
