I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize