she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
3 2 1 whiskey
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
