I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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