But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We have so much sex to catch up on
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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