So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
